Another Day in the Life

Being stable is hard. Wake up early. Eat breakfast( make sure you get your protein, carbs, dairy, fruit and fat). Take medication. Take a shower. Take the dogs out. Make lunch(this time substitute fruit for a vegetable).Go for another walk. Read. Eat dinner( hardest part of the day). Find something to do for the rest of the day until 9pm then take meds again and go to bed early.

I havent worked in about 2 years. My mental state has kept me from being able to hold down a job. Being on disability is NOT fun. I get hardly any money to live off of and I’m expected to find things to do to keep myself alive daily. I have a DBT workbook, that is like my full time job. Working on my own mind to get it back to a healthy state. Figure out and identify thought distortions. Replace them with coping statements and positive affirmations. The more you practice, the more ingrained in you head it will become. Write out communication problems, cause we all know I go from 0 to 100 in .5 seconds. Don’t interrupt people. Handle criticisms from others as well as the criticisms i have created running through my head. It is exhausting.

Falling down is the easy part. Anybody can do it. Getting up and brushing yourself off and taking that first step back into reality is whats hard. I feel as though relapses are inevitable. My mood will plummet, I stop taking care of myself, I dont eat or sleep, the suicidal thoughts get stronger and more intrusive the deeper into the depression i fall. THIS IS THE HARD PART. I used to think the only way i could socialize was if i was intoxicated somehow. Didnt care what substance, as long as i dissociated from myself and dont have to listen to myself talk then i could be around people. DRUGS AND ALCOHOL JUST LEAD TO MORE DEPRESSION through guilty feelings and shame i create because of my behaviors. Careless sex with random partners, spending my whole disability check on lularoe clothing, eating fast food 3 meals a day every day. Cutting my flesh to feel physical pain because it is more tolerable than the despair i feel through past trauma and depression. Sleeping because there is nothing that seems appealing to do. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE. This is not a cycle i have to fall victim to every time the depression train rolls through town. When you really want something you go for it right? Well i really wanted to die…

Step back and look at life objectively. What are your triggers? What causes you extra unnecessary stress that makes you do things you wish you hadnt. Observe your behaviors and without judgement ask yourself “Is this really what I want”. There is so much life has to offer you. Step up to the plate and swing that fucking bat. Take a chance. Fuck what people think. Be yourself and stand firm in what you believe in.

If living a fulfilling life means staying abstinent, sober and healthy then by God I will stay abstinent, sober and healthy. Im going to take care of me. Im going to love myself and show myself respect. If others dont treat me the way i want and deserve to be treated then TO HELL WITH THEM. BOUNDARIES SAVE LIVES. Stay focused and don’t forget where you are going. Sure there will be obstacles along the way, just hurdle over them, don’t let them be roadblocks. Allow them to be speed bumps. Slow down girl you are going too fast. THink these decisions through. What to you need? Don’t be afraid to take up space. Don’t be afraid to speak for yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you, they have their own life to live. Live yours.


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