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I want to throw up the idea of using Ketamine (aka a horse tranq) for treating depression. There has been an increase in the amount of people who are climbing to this treatment, unaware of what happens next. This is my personal experience with Ketamine, the drug that started it all.

In 2016, every option that was laid on the table for me to help alleviate my depression and its symptoms. ECT had been tried twice, Residential Treatment Centers, Individual Therapy, Partial Hospitalization Therapy CBT, DBT, any and every medication used for psych ranging from anti-depressants, to mood stabilizers, anti-psychotic, sleeping medication, and a bunch of off label uses. My doctors had heard of people trying Ketamine but there was no where near where i lived that was experimenting with the drug. I was anxious to learn about it, as all the medical journals were saying this was going to be the “wonder drug” and the “best option for those resistnent to medication therapy and have failed all other medication trials”. I was hooked. I was tired of living life the way I had been living and it was time to finally blow this mother fuckers head off. I was desperate for even a short fix.

I was hesitent at first, especially asking for the GOFUNDME donations from family and friends to help me be able to pay for the $2700 which included consultation, 6 injections and an aftercare follow up visit. I had less than $50 in my account how was I going to pay for this life changing procedure. With the gracious help of these people, I was able to pull together just about enough money to make me feel so damn good, I don’t mean feel good like a drug, i just meant an overall place of happiness.. No more thoughts that were turning to voices convincing me to kill myself. No more judging myself so badly, I cant go out in public unless my face is clear and I weigh less than 160 lbs. Bet you didnt know that did you. These little weird rituals would stop and I could begin functioning again, physically and cognitively. I was totally on board to try this old “medicine” for a new off label use. I was a white rat put in a maze and forced to find the cheese. Only the reward of getting to eat the cheese at the end, ended with more than just a full belly but a body high and a loss of mind. I tried the injection and immediately I was overcome by this sensation that makes my bones sing and my blood freeze where for only a brief moment I really wasnt afraid of anything because I didnt exist, i only observed. If you were to ask me what heaven felt like, I would imagine It felt like a Ketamine drip.

Well if I wasn’t an addict before, I sure was now. It is impossible and very expensive to keep up this high that these people are like certified drug dealers. So fucking conspirical . I love that I can make up my own words. This drug is targeting mentally unhealthy patients, who dont know how to cope so typically strugle with comorbid addiction issues and it is stimulating that addiction center setting off vibrations throughout the whole limbic system. Like a fucking dinging vibrating alarm right up to your ear. “HELLO MY NAME IS ADDICTION AND IF YOU HAVE NEVER MET ME, YOU WILL KNOW ME STARTING NOW AND GOING AWAY NEVER”.

So lets jack these patients up on a horse tranquilizer, keep them suffering dellusions for a month, come back monthly to get a new injection to keep them living in a seperate world from human kind. So messed up to me. I can not believe I was one of these brainwashed individuals. Another fucking mistake that had to be learned of by DIRE CONSEQUENCES.

Keep me living a delusion and keep me over medicated paying you thousands to give me recreational drugs legally.

Of course I rationalized this and felt terrible that all these people rooting for me paying me to stay healthy I will soon have to confess my impulsive mistake. The truth would come out because everyone would see a cigarette smoking, marijuana smoking, drunk dancing, nightless binging, coke, MDMA,MDA, Shrooms, pills, benzos addict. That is no excuse though. I should have pulled myself up instead of let myself fall victim. No I did not deserve to be treated as trial patient #10; but i also couldnt live as trial patient 10 the rest of my life either.


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