All this talk on abortion and laws passing prohibiting a woman from having one triggers flashbacks like you wouldn’t believe. If it wasn’t for the available option here in Illinois, I would have been forced to carry a fetus to full term inside of MY 17 year old body. Under 18. The body of a DEVELOPING teenager. Not prepared for the real world yet. Not given a glimpse of what my life could have become. A helpless body that still needed taken care of by my own parents.
I was 16. Unaware of the world and the dangers there in it. Didn’t have one feeling in the world like i fucking belonged in it. A puppet of my parents creating. What are choices? I just did what my parents told me. They told me a lot of things to do and not too and when morality feels more like a list of rules and regulations, my developing mind started to question what is GOOD OR BAD. Abortion? IT WAS ALWAYS BAD. That was a thought i was sure of before i had to go to my mother with the news I’m pregnant at 16.
I met a guy. He was older than me. I was 16 and he was 23. Being taught at an even younger age, by a name I refuse to mention, sex is all women were good for. I was taught to always “look my best” which meant, show some leg, wear low shirts, dresses, starve yourself, stay a size 00 because a 0 was “too fat”. Never leave the house without make up on, always wear my hair down and stay away from wearing the color yellow because it made me look like i was “gross and ill”. This was a lot to remember. Too many regulations based off of appearance. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to wear basketball shorts, and t shirts. I loved tennis shoes. I HATED wearing my hair down because I hated the way it fell onto the back of my neck. I hated anyone and anything touching my neck. (flashbacks) Make up felt likei was pretending to be somebody else. It felt thick and heavy on my face. Slimy sometimes. It felt like a mask, a mask that had to mesh with my skin. Was I me or was I the mask? Despite what i wanted, beauty is uncomfortable and in order to get anywhere in life i was told to look my best and stick to my Rules.
I never knew i was “asking for it” the day i met him. I was a kid, still preoccupied with books and learning, playing basketball and such. I never knew he would want me because i asked for it?
He’s not the father though. That is a whole other story.
I was 17… 1 year into a “relationship” with the manager of where I worked. 7 years older than me. It felt right. I felt grown up. I knew what i wanted out of life. I wanted to marry him. I LOVED HIM. He didn’t love me. He had sex with me on the down low (and at the age of 24 i finally realized what was wrong with this). I was a secret. Is that how relationships work? You are supposed to look a certain way and think a certain way just for a partner? Nooooo.
I was 17 when i met the father of my aborted fetus. He was 25. He was cool. He could buy alcohol. And alcohol “lets out the real you”(PSH). I was supposed to drink it because he said it made me look more attractive and would “loosen me up”. He was even the bouncer of a bar! Look at me sneaking into a bar at 17 and getting served just so i could get plastered drunk, taken advantage of and black out. I would have never remembered what happened, but I did.
—I remember him taking me home. His hands were around the back of my neck (flashback) but it was “okay” because he told me he loved me. We were in his car. The radio on but i could not understand a word because i was hyper focused on the hand on my neck and ringing in my ears. The air felt cold. He gave me his jacket. He was so handsome when he smiled. He pulled up into his drive and carried me into his sisters house. I knew her. She was friends with my friends. I was safe.
He laid me down on his bed and told me he would be right back. I laid there imagining “this is what love really feels like” A guy only looked at me, only kissed me, only wanted me and i was at his house in his bed. He walked back in with a glass of water in one hand and a condom in the other.
“What are going to do with that condom” I said as i fiercely peered my eyes up toward him.
“Make love to the woman I am in love with” he said, smiling.
His smile was so settling. I couldn’t say no to him. He was the most beautiful man i had ever seen and he had ME in his room wanting to make love to me.
He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. He pushed me back onto the bed and he got on top of me. He slowly took my shirt off as my necklace tried to come off with it. He gently ran his fingers around my neck to unclasp my chain and proceeded to take my shirt off. He kissed me softly on my collar bone and again on my left breast. Before I could catch my breath he tore my pants off and slid my underwear down to my ankles.
“You put the condom on right?” I more so demanded than asked a question.
“Of course. There’s nothing to worry about though, I’m sterile. I cant have kids and wont ever have them.” he replied.
“Put it on anyways please” i asked.
He slipped the condom onto his penis and laid me back down on the bed, his lips pressed against mine. I felt a sudden rush as he penetrated me for the first time. This was what making love felt like.
It wasn’t a second after i came things changed. He flipped me onto my stomach.
“What are you doing?” i asked. “That felt really good i liked looking at you”.
“Its my turn to feel good now” his smile was sliding off his face onto the floor with some of the tears that began to fall from my eyes.
“I thought you were enjoying it?”
“Stop talking and let me finish” he said shoving my face into his pillow. I could barely breath. My hair was tangled all through his fingers and with his other hand, he wrapped those fingers around my throat. He had me from behind. I lay there helpless, kicking and flailing my arms, but i could not move. This is what he liked, and i couldn’t say no because i couldn’t breathe.
He begins cumming. I’m thinking “Its over. Its over. Its over.” He pulls out and turns me back onto my back. He hold both of my hands over my head, resting onto his pillow. He gives me a kiss on my forehead. On the tip of my nose and onto my lips. He tells me I was the best he has ever had. His smile returned but my tears never left.
“Awe you are crying. You really felt that connection didn’t you baby?” He asked. “I love you”.
He releases his hands and reaches for his pants. He tells me he has to use the bathroom and he would be right back. I sat up, feeling my pussy. Full of white thick snot looking shit. I freak out immediately but then remember he is sterile he says. He cant get anyone pregnant. I see the condom thrown on the other side of the room. Did he take it off?
He walks back into the room and asks if i am ready to go home.
“Why did you take the condom off i told you to wear it” I asked him.
“I thought you told me to take it off. It felt better didn’t it” he responded. “Besides, we have nothing to worry about. I cant get you pregnant” he stated as he started shooing me through his bedroom door and into the living room.
His sister was still on the couch. She looks up and smiles at me and tells me goodnight. I have no words. I walk quickly out the door.
I don’t speak to him the whole way home.—
A few weeks later i missed my period. My breasts hurt and i didn’t feel well. I ran to the store bough a pregnancy test and rushed back to my best friends house. I didn’t tell her what happened. I didn’t even understand it so how could i explain that one of her best friends brothers trespassed on my body. I take the test and it is positive. IT WAS POSITIVE. I was 17 and pregnant. I thought love meant forceful sex with kissing at the end. What the fuck was happening.
I knew right away I had to get an abortion. There was no way I was going to raise a child from a guy who didn’t ask me to. From a guy who lied to my face and told me he couldn’t get anyone pregnant. It was my only option. My dad was going to totally kill me.
If it wasn’t for me helping my high school friend go through the same process two years earlier, i wouldn’t have known this was an option. I WOULDN’T HAVE KNOWN. I would still be against it. I WOULD HAVE A 10 YEAR OLD RIGHT NOW. Only 17 years older than him or her. I WOULD BE A PARENT OF A CHILD WHO IS STILL A CHILD OF HER PARENTS, LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE AND DOING WHAT THEY TELL ME.
How was i going to pull this off? How was I going to get this abortion without my dad knowing. But i did it. And I am so glad this was an option available to me. For the first time, I got to decide what i wanted to do with MY body.