With a Slash of the Wrist

I didn’t cut today, despite the urges. No, instead I forced myself to think differently.The feeling of wanting to self mutilate can be compared to that of having an itch but not being able to scratch it. That sounds cliche’ but most of the people who will be reading this haven’t dabbled into taking a blade to their skin and for that I am most grateful; but, those of us who have can understand how much pleasure one can get from blood and pain. Do you feel that itch on your back? Now imagine having your hands and feet cuffed to the bed post. Do you feel the frustration? The agitation? The Angst? The deep deep desire for your fingernails to dig deep into your flesh and for that brief moment of satisfaction of that uncomfortableness being removed you get a relief that can be described as a high of some sort. A dopamine release. It feels so much better once its been scratched.
Same with Cutting.
The feeling of satisfaction I get from carving into my own flesh is the same satisfaction of relieving your itch.
You may not see the resemblance but hear me out when I tell you this. Some people’s drug of choice is blood. The high you get from removing your emotional pain with physical pain is unbelievable for me. As soon as the tip of the blade slices across the skin and i see a sea of red pop out of my engraved canvas, the relief comes and the high sets in…
…but only for a minute. After a moment passing reality kicks back in and you are left to clean up your mess. literally and figuratively. You have to deal with the consequences of your choice and behavior. The fact you are seriously injured. The fact fact you almost cut into an arterial vein. The fact the paramedics were callled. The fact you were admitted to a psych ward. The outcomes are exactly what you would expect. Silly and fucked up if i try to have you imagine what that feels like. Its unfathomable. Why would you want to leave marks on your body just for a moment of weakness?
*******PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE THIS AS AN OPTION TO RELIEVE PAIN. IT DOES NOT WORK AND WILL INCLUDE IN THE RESULT OF ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING:1. Stitches2. Low self -esteem3. Lack of self confidence and feelings of worthlessness4. Admission to your local Psych Ward5. A hell of a story to try to explain the logic you used to family and friends and seeing them react with confusion, embarrassment and disappointment6. Looks of disgust from others, including close piers7. Guilty feelings that fester upon your inner being and transform to Full blown shame. Anxiety x 10000000.8.Everyone thinking you are crazy9.Many many other outcomes10. Death********
After awhile your body builds up and amunity and more intense episodes arise. The time between each one becomes more frequent. The depth in while you carved becomes much deeper and the objects that you use are much more destructive. Pretty soon i am self harming for no reason at all. It’s not even worth it anymore but my body needs it. It craves it like my lungs need air. Like my body needs water. Soon, it is all I think about.
I really don’t mean to get carried away describing how much enjoyment i get out of cutting. It can be pretty morbid to think about. {Confession: I also love seeing blood. The way it pours out of my open flesh and drips across my arm onto the floor. The deep dark red in big pools..drip, drip, drip. That metallic odor and taste on your tongue. Maybe I’m a vampire cannibal (lol). Thats me making a joke out of a demented situation.} Seriously though, Do you enjoy sports? Cooking? Yoga? Teaching? What gives you satisfaction? Positive things I hope. It is no fun to be stuck on such a negative “hobby”.
That is why I am turning things around. Questioning my core beliefs. Are they true? I deserve self love, not self harm/hate. I can be compassionate to myself. My body is a temple and doesn’t deserve this kind of destruction. I try to focus on the little things. Making dinner, walking my puppies, watering and rejuvenating the flowers, bubble baths, blogging my feelings to a bunch of strangers I don’t know who could be stalkers or serial killers. Hopefully thats not the case.
My blood is not more important than my life. Wait a minute. Let me rephrase what I am trying to say. It is essential for my life to stream all the blood that i have through my veins.
So now, as i sit here typing to you in the middle of the night on an insomniac brain, i must leave you with 3 things.
IF YOU SELF HARM: I am here for you. I relate to you and i understand how hard your struggle to stay abstinent must be. Its been my main source of escape for YEARS so i totally understand how hard it is to do the opposite of what you think you want but YOU CAN DO THIS. ONE DAY AT A TIME. PRAISE YOURSELF AFTER 3 DAYS. 7 DAYS. 2 WEEKS. 1 MONTH ETC. TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS ABOUT IT TOO!! Celebrate recovery! The high you get off of life is so much better and totally worth it.
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO SELF HARM’S: Be compassionate. Its not a cry for help and it is not to get attention. It is an addiction like any other addiction and it is scary. We don’t want to be like this, but it is too hard to face what we feel and then have to explain it to other people. Understand that. The best way to be there for someone who self harms is to be there. Be present in the moment with them. Talk about what is bothering them and be non judgmental about it. The last thing you want to do is punish somebody, tell them to STOP or abandon them.
IF YOU DONT KNOW ANYONE WHO SH’S: Educate yourself anyways so you can be there for someone who might someday or somewhere down the road. We are both human.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.