5 “I’m not proud of” moments
Hi, I am a whore.
I know I discuss horrible sex situations I have been exposed to and included in, so now I want to give you a different perspective. I am going to put myself into the perpetrator position for the next 10 minutes of your time. I have considered myself the victim in many of the secrets I harbored but this time I want to change your frame of mind for awhile. I don’t want to be looked at as a complete innocent girl, I have my fair share of wrongdoings. Some I am even too embarrassed to share and I am going to share with you some pretty vulnerable information. Men aren’t always to blame for being known as players, and I apologize to every man I have belittled sexually and emotionally manipulated. Below are 5 sex confessions that I have no more shame over. They are in the past with one of my personalities.
CONFESSION 1: Older Men
It’s a pattern. Ever since I was in high school lusting for the senior with the gray hair which nobody could understand. I had this trend of wanting to hook up with men who look older than what they are, but most of the time the man was indeed actually a lot older. I mean 7 years older. I mean I am 16 and he is 23. But I didn’t care. It was a fun game to me. Can I get an older, more mature man? I used to use my body that was physically toned at the time to get what I wanted. Long legs, big boobs, nice ass. I don’t mean to be cocky but I had the total package. Smart, young, intelligent, successful, attractive, funny, spontaneous. And when I wanted something, I made damn sure I got it. (Fortunately years later I realized sex isnt a game where someone is keeping score). I didn’t like them for the money, no that was never the factor. I didnt want anything more from them but sex. No phone call the next day, no dates, just pure raw sex. The age jump was a bigger turn on for me, it opened doors for role-play which was the most fun of all getting to pretend I was somebody other than myself for one night. That is all I wanted from these older men was just one night, to make them feel special, young and free again only to leave their beds a little after 1AM.
CONFESSION 2: Mistress Lynsey
I am not proud of this confession. This was something I didn’t understand the difference between right and wrong from. It was also a pattern. Mystery. Suspense. DRAMA. The first affair I had was when I was 21. I worked in my cargo shorts and dry-fit t-shirts and he worked at the cell phone kiosk right across from me. He was older. He was in my eyes attractive. I had decided that I had to add him to my list of men. When he convinced me to change my cellphone service and left his number in my phone, I knew I had him. But he had his wife. He never told me to back off so I kept pursuing and heating up sexual tension. When he agreed to come over to my apartment to help me set up my new TV, I knew he wasn’t going anywhere. We fucked for nearly 3 months until I felt I had to break it off with him…get this…not because us fucking was morally wrong but because I was tired and bored with the sex. I dont know if he ever confessed to his wife but i never heard from him again after “breaking up” with him right before Christmas. From there, my desire for men just got stronger as the antes were upped from older men to older married men. This cycle happened 3 times.
CONFESSION 3: Dirty Pictures
As social media continued to grow, so did my tits and I was eager to show them off. I was getting compliments on “how pretty i was” but that wasn’t good for me. I wanted to be sexy. The game was in full circle now. I wanted every man to want me and I was willing to expose my body for the validation. It started with soft core stuff, then nude modeling, and eventually it turned into something much bolder. The validation i was receiving was only assuring me of one thing and that disgusting thing was that I was being objectified. I got so caught up in a grandiose state that I took my body to the next level and really put myself out there.
CONFESSION 4: Webcam modeling
Yes i put myself out there by webcasting online. I was good at sex so why not make money off of it without having to sleep with anybody? I won’t ever see these people so who cares if they wack off to me touching myself inappropriately. Not only does my self esteem go up, my bank account does too. Men from all over the world, calling me by a different name, making special requests to fulfill their fetishes. I mean if you asked a girl on the street if she would shove a dildo into her pussy in front of a crowd, you would probably end up in jail or with 2 black eyes, a castrated penis and possibly killed. The amount of shame I carry for this is way more than I made over a years worth of “hard work”. Pun intended. Out of all the shit that I’ve pulled, this has got to be the lowest I ever fucking stooped.
The last confession I have for you tonight comes from a rooted source of general hate for men. I say that very openly but I do realize that it isn’t all or nothing. I don’t need to be generalizing anything as it is unethical and unfair. If I am going to be honest with you, I need to be completely honest. My ex boyfriend started seeing his now called wife, but that didnt stop him from asking for “just one more time”. He had been dating her for 3 months and the type of person I was didn’t care about it. He wanted me. I came over. It really was one last time because during the middle of fornication I stood up, looked him in the eye and told him I really was over him. He watched fiercely as I got dressed super quick and bolted out his parents front door. It felt amazing to put him in the past even if it only lasted a few seconds. 3 days later I went to the doctor for persistent redness and itching of my who-ha and karma had its way of getting back around to me. Chlamydia was not fun to get rid of. It was even less fun confronting his new girlfriend. The least I could do was warn her before he returned to fuck her a few days later. Turns out she had it too.
As I wrap up my thoughts for the night I can’t help but to think about my past partners. Each encounter I stumbled across in life has taught me a very important lesson and if it wasn’t for my moments of weakness I wouldn’t have the understanding of the world that I have now. I am far from perfect. I have hurt others and for that I must sincerely apologize. I wasn’t thinking about anybody else other than myself and getting off. I don’t hate them but they have every right to hate me.
If we have mingled and you thought it seemed too good to be true or extremely superficial I just hope you don’t have to experience that again with someone else. To everyone else, take connections seriously and be grateful for the capacity to feel and notice the difference between love and lust. I wish you well on your sexual quests.
Love and Rage,