It’s cold as hell as I sit out at this lake. This used to be my spot. The spot where I created my most sincere and darkest poems. I used to keep a journal out hereon my daily struggle. From 2013-2016, 4 years, I had wrote my thoughts and feelings into a little green book my brother got for me for my birthday.Best gift I have ever received. Sitting on the hood of the car, listening to the water hit the rocks and feeling connected to SOMETHING. Everything elsefeels fake. I close my eyes and inhale for 4 breaths, hold it for 7 and exhale for 8. I do this 4 times paying attention to the water, the birds, the cars goby on the highway. I am content and I am at peace in this moment. I wish I could hold onto it forever. Capture it in a jar and put it in my pocket. I could openit whenever I needed it and a gust of memory is blown into my face, creeping up my nose, through my ear canals down my throat and straight to my heart. It settlesin until I rush myself to come back to what we call “reality”. Where we have responsibilities and an image to uphold. If I could, I would live in isolation withmy computer, or more likely my journal and pen and close my eyes and hear life around me. Everyone is too busy to appreciate what is around us. It is summer timethough, why is it so cold?
Still havent finished the book The Fall I was reading. I brought it along but I cant seem to want to read it. It freaks me out how much I relate to this guy.It is like the only way to be true is to be open and that will only happen when you are ready to be judged. Ready to put your life out there mistakes and alland show everybody else the way. The way to keep your brain healty or some shit. I dont know I need to hit my chillum again. BRB
…ok i lit a cig too. We are all good
Im just shootin the shit with you now. No intention in mind. Just free writing. It can be fun. Try it sometime. Think of where you are at now and find an objectyou can compare it too. Metaphors are powerful. They give you the imagery of the point you are trying to get across. It settles in someones brain more. Especiallywhen you use adjectives often to describe your subject. The only person I believe is better at forming words and making sentences so you can understandis Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem. I know I come off narcissistic to even compare myself to the legend but if I want to be published then I have to think big thoughts. Positive Affirmations. In the mirror. Each day. You think it is stupid, well I do too but guess what? It works. It changes the way you think about yourselfalmost like you are tricking your brain. If you can trick your brain to think negatively about yourself, choices and existence then you can trick your brainto believe in something more optimistic and refreshing. I speak subjectively of course. Maybe that coping skill doesn’t work for you then I would tell you that you need to be less critical of yourself and try a coping statement instead. Something that will soothe your thoughts and take you to “YOUR HAPPY PLACE”*Said sarcastically of course* or put you in wise mind. A state of rationality and emotionality. (check to see if that is a word?). You get my point.
The rain is trickling on the hood of my car. It echoes through the sliding sunroof and vibrates the pleasure center in my brain. A braingasm. A point where you are high on life. No this is not the weed talking, this is my mind talking to myself on a daily basis. This is my Obsessive compulsive mind.
Rain is pouring and fog is setting over the current while classical music is playing. Could this moment get any better?
For now I will put it in my jar. I need to get the eff home
Love and Rage, Lynsey
Misunderstood InSaNiTy 