Self Harm you didnt know was Self Harm

I realize I hurt myself over and over again. It is literally SOMETHING every day to help me either pass out and forget the world or get up and going and have fun. I cant seem to find the correct balance in life or at least I cant seem to function without covering up my true feelings. I wrote this not too long ago…who can relate??

Nmanic. Started with Self Harm urges. Moved into restricting food which turned into purging and loosing weight which gained confidence which gained going out which lead to drinking which led to promiscuity with older, married men which led to feeling so fucking high i thought i was being signed for my blog and was going after 60 year old men and did adderal for 3 days straight without barely any sleep , up now at 3:10 because i drank for 2 days. Weed is only thing keeping me sane until i dissociated to the point i lost myself. A floating apparition i feel like i do not exist. Everything is fake people are out to get me or rape. Oh i saw my rapist for the first time since the rape at 16. I use what people want to get what i want or more so take it. I hate myself and i know all the therapy. Ill tell you what you wanna hear cause i dont want to disappoint you but i just always wanna run away. I dont belong here. I am living a fucked up life. So fucked up. I dont know what is real. The last three weeks have been a blur mostly. Now it is caught up. I had to cut. I had to feel in order to survive. Nothing helps please restrain me and lock me away. If you dont, I dont know what i will do to myself.

I dont feel this right now. But I am going down the same path and need to realize it before I feel at this place again. Getting it down on this paper somewhat lets my feeling of hate out but it doesnt quite cut it for me.

behaviors used this week-

purging

binging

picking

hair pulling

self medicating

alcohol

spastic spending

cuticle chewing

skin pulling

chain smoking

restricting food

ALL TO AVOID CUTTING MYSELF.

Find a list of stuff to do instead. Go do a puzzle. Write. Yoga. Paint. Take a bath. Walk the dog. rearrange furniture. sing and dance. Call a friend. Hold a frozen orange. Smell candles. DO SOMETHING ELSE!