Purge

I’ve been purging. I haven’t done this in a very long time. I feel lethargic, confused about the world, distrusting and very absent minded. The purging has gotten to the point that it has replaced my self harm with this demon that is slicing pieces of the inside of my throat off . It feels like a permanent nausea, a reflex that is constantly there telling you to shove your finger down your throat just to feel that emotion rise to the surface from your belly and projectile out of the mouth that speaks these words. I do not want to be this person anymore. No I am not suicidal and no I am not in the middle of an “episode” I am simply being honest and telling you how I have been getting these affects away from my inner being. I would rather the world shake than feel the shake in my bones, or the unsteadiness of my hand trembling through the open air or the monotonous pounding of my heart being stretched and boomeranged back into its deep dark pit.

Its, sometimes life takes over and I am being dragged through a movie featuring myself. What do I look like? What do I sound like? What do I smell like? What do I fucking do about all this existentialism ? I’ll stop the purging, but someones got to put a knife through all this anger and anxiety.