To all my followers-
Recovery is not linear. Sometimes we persevere and sometimes we wander astray a little bit. Over the past week recovery has not been easy for me. There have been many obstacles in my way that I realize I had created on my own. I abused a medication because I thought I was smarter than my doctor so I took less than I was supposed to with one and I added a new one on my own. This medication made me feel GREAT…for about 3 days until I crashed because I wasn’t getting good enough sleep and started having panic attacks randomly in random places.
The other night a date rape drug was thrown into a drink I wasnt forced to drink but I was pressured to. Luckily, after the third time of trying to get me to take the shot, I took it, waited for the man to go back inside and spit it out into the grass. He almost managed to take advantage of my friend I was with but luckily for us I had spit it out otherwise we both would have been paralyzed with our eyes rolling toward the back of our heads.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I HATE MEN.
No, I should not stereotype all men and deem them all as pigs, but when I tell you how many times I have been raped, taken advantage of sexually or abused it was always by a man.
For these reasons, my flashbacks have started to become prominent in my life again. Panic has crept its way back into my life and I have been in a funk for the past 3 days. I decided to deactivate my facebook account and I almost deleted wordpress but luckily I have someone wonderful who encouraged me to write this letter to you all to tell you I will be back.
My break from writing will not be long. In fact I may write for myself on my break. I have a lot of built up anger and fear that I need to deal with.
If you are overwhelmed…it is okay to take a break. Give yourself the space you need. Meditate during this time and keep a gratitude journal. This isn’t goodbye, this is my way of coping with my stress. I WILL BE BACK.
Love and Rage,
PS- No, I did not get even as much as I wanted to go back and slice tires and break windshields. Expressing anger that way wouldn’t have taken back the fact I was being taken advantage of. Karma comes back around 😉