Writing pisses me off anymore. I yearn to run my fingers over the keys and feel the indentations softly against the tips of my fingers but I never have anything to jot down. I used to keep you updated with my life, but I don’t do that anymore either. Im avoiding it because I don’t want to make permanent the reality of what emotions I have been feeling. I feel insecure, inadequate and indecisive which in the past are trigger emotions for self harm.
I want to give it all up. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Blah blah blah
I keep telling myself these things and I am starting to believe there is something wrong with my core self when indeed there is nothing wrong with me. My core beliefs have been so greatly skewed to the point I have screwed myself up enough in the head I don’t believe I can write anymore. What comes out of my mouth does not make any sense to me so please don’t try to make sense of it either.
Yes, the feelings are subsiding. Everyone told me they were temporary and I didn’t believe them. They felt like they went on forever in my body. It lingered there through my bloodstream for hours, sometimes days at a time. No matter how hard I tried to let go, I couldn’t shake the affect out of my body.
I am afraid to be judged but if I am helping at least one person right now feel like there is someone crazier than they are then I will feel so good about my “insecure” self.
Leaving the house is hard work. You have to take a shower. Shave your legs. Dry your hair. Find clothes to wear. Put said clothes on. Find shoes that match. Change your outfit because it looks stupid. Go do your make up. Put on lotion because you forgot to. Put on the new clothes you picked out. Actually DO your hair. Put on accessories and also perfume. Find keys and head out. It is too much work, really. Brushing my teeth is such a chore but I challenge myself everyday and succeed. Everything else is just basic. I dont care.
Going out despite fighting the urge to stay in. I need this.