Writing feels foreign anymore. The words haven’t exactly been coming to me the way they used to, but bear with me. I will try my best to update during this COVID outbreak.
Where to start. I’ve been hypomanic for about 2 1/2 weeks now. Sleep is all sorts of fucked up. Go to bed at 4 am then wake up at 8 just to watch the clock for hours until the rest of the house decides to get their asses out of bed. Mainly I am talking about William. Sleep? What does that even mean? My brain won’t slow down enough to understand the meaning or the point of getting good nights rests.
Impulse control disorder is in full effect. I can’t tell if it is the hypomania that is making me act upon my urges or if it is the boredom of sitting in the house all day long, only leaving to take a short 20 minute drive here and there. Yes, alcohol has been binged, yes food is being consumed in greater quantities and yes some other things have been done that I am not exactly proud of. Details are irrelevant to you, but they have been causing problems in my personal life. Lack of slowing the brain down will really fuck with your self control.
I spent more money last month that what I made combined from my disability check and my paycheck. Oh, disability will be cut off soon. That means I’ve been making progress in some area of my life. It feels good to be a normal person again.
Boredom is something I have a really hard time tolerating. Not only is it a state of being, it is also an affect deep within the chest and belly that you just can’t shake. The rest of the world could probably relate to this right now, but my main trigger for cutting myself is boredom. I’m not good at coping with it. Luckily, I have only had one slip up in over 8 months, and it was extremely superficial. The razor had a safety guard, so no damage was really done to my body, just the surface.
I’m struggling a bit but I am managing to keep positive and keep on keeping on. I hope you can do the same too. If you are struggling with boredom, try one or ten of the following:
Reupholster some furniture
Do a jigsaw puzzle
Play a board game
Play a video game
Binge watch one of your favorite shows (or have a scary movie marathon)
Learn a new language
Read a book
Do a crossword or Sudoku