For Fathers

I feel controlled. I talk about disociating all the time and I tell you how I don’t feel real and have no self control. If I dont have that self control then
who has control over me? Or better yet, you? Who are the positive people in your life? Your friends? Family? Support group or therapists? Do they listen
and take you seriously? I am serious because if you are letting these people control your life and make decisions for you, you are never going to be
able to truly find your identity and you will not be able to make decisions for yourself. My doctor tells me all the time, trust yourself but that is
the biggest load of bologna I have ever heard. Have you seen this world and the people in it? They don’t care about anybody but themselves and even
if they are doing humanity good and volunteering time and resources to help people out, it is to benefit themselves in some sort of way. A confidence boost or
power trip. A sense of belonging. Yearning for socializing. If people like this are raising me or helping shape me into the woman I am supposed to become how can
I trust my decisions to trust them? I am not letting a brainwasher tell me what to do or when to do something. You got me fucked up to think your opinion
matters that much (Deep down it does, I would just rather walk away from stupid judgements).I c

The water is hitting heavy on the rocks today. I can feel the wave trickly up and seep through my toes. It is cold but it is warm outside. Breezy for sure. The sun
is peaking out every so often.

I come out here to escape domination. A place where I can actually take a breath and not feel like I am suffocating on my pain and anxiety. I come here to feel
appreciated. My my being released back into the eco system for the plants to breathe me in and trade back for some of the good stuff I need. Does anyone
take a moment anymore for themselves and just appreciate how beautiful this planet can be. Not the people, just the structures. God I sound like an antisocial
pessimistic narcisist.

I have a friend who is starting a page of positivity. It is kind of funny. My page shows the reality in ourselves and his page can motivate you to
become more vulnerable and genuine. IM GLAD YOU ARE WRITING TOO!

It is fathers day. I didnt remember until last night while I was on my ativan brain trying to drift off into unconsciousness. OH DAMN it is fathers day. What
can I really do about it though, you know? Be appreciative of other people and their dads to celebrate how great your father is just to rub it into my face
how effed up my father was? I mean, if he was here dont get me wrong I would be spending time with him; mainly asking questions like “Why the fuck did you kill
yourself for another woman?” or “What really happened between you and me when I was a child?” So what exactly is this holiday supposed to
do for me besides trigger how broken of a family I am in? You wont read this but happy fathers day brother. Wish you didnt hold resentment
towards me. Tough boundaries he has set on me, but would you blame him? IDK. I especially hate that it is like 2 weeks after May 25th because I hate
going to the cemetary twice in two weeks. I only have so much to say each time. I just dont think I am going to go today.

I shouldnt end a post on negative thoughts. There are fathers out there who do deserve to be celebrated, yes. I am just being subjectively bias
here and for that I apologize. You dad’s who treat your daughters fragily and with space and respect are doing life right. No matter what the
struggle is right now, as long as that child is being provided for and is growing mentally healthy, that is all that matters. I only discuss
daughters to amplify my point. Treat your children like they are a mini version of you. Why would you want to hurt yourself? And if you do want
to hurt yourself, why cause pain on a child?

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